On my walk to the train this morning, it was 3 degrees out. I couldn’t open my mouth or my front teeth would throb from the cold. The F ran a good ten minutes later than usual, and someone had taken a big wet dump on the platform where I stood waiting for my transfer to the 7. By the time I discovered too late that the Metro North is running on a holiday schedule, which means I’ll have to pay an extra $15 for a cab in White Plains to get to work on time, all I could think was OH MY GOD I AM SO LUCKY I DIDN’T HAVE TO TRY TO FIND A PLACE TO SLEEP OUTSIDE LAST NIGHT. I’M SO GLAD I SLEPT NEXT TO MY LOVING, WARM WIFE WITH OUR HEATING-PAD CHIHUAHUA WEDGED BETWEEN US, AND THAT WHEN I GOT UP I GOT TO TAKE A BIG DUMP IN OUR TOILET RATHER THAN ON A TRAIN PLATFORM. I ONLY HAVE TO COMMUTE TWICE A WEEK, THREE TIMES TOPS, AND THE OTHER DAYS I CAN DO ALL MY WORK WITHOUT LEAVING HOME IF I SO CHOOSE, ESPECIALLY SINCE MY MOTHER-IN-LAW WAS GRACIOUS ENOUGH TO HAVE BOTH OF OUR CHILDREN OVER TO HER PLACE ALL WEEK WHILE THEY’RE ON WINTER BREAK. AND THE $15 I’M FLIPPANTLY SPENDING ON A CAB SO I WON’T HAVE TO WAIT AN EXTRA HALF HOUR OUTSIDE FOR THE BUS? WHAT A LUXURY. TO PARAPHRASE SNOOKI: FIRST-WORLD PROBLEMS. AND I STILL HAVE MY NOSE INTACT AND A GOOD OVERCOAT SO I KNOW I’M NOT IN A GOGOL STORY. WINTER WILL BE OVER SOON ENOUGH, AND MY KEEPING TRACK OF THE WEEKLY FORECAST IS A PRETTY TRIVIAL THING CONSIDERING I ONLY HAVE TO FACE THE ELEMENTS FOR A TOTAL OF LESS THAN AN HOUR TODAY.
AND I EVEN GET OFF-PEAK PRICING ON MY METRO NORTH TICKET.