I'm hardly alone in being frustrated and saddened by my Facebook feed lately. I sat down this morning determined to write and share my thoughts, but then my friend Stanci shared a link to a piece by Luther M. Siler that crystallized them so completely (minus the divinity school) that I'd rather just share these words, which I beseech, no beg you to read in their entirety. (Here's the link too, if you prefer that.)

I am not a Christian.  That fact has probably been perfectly clear for a very long time; it doesn’t take a whole lot of reading around here to figure it out.
What may be less clear to non long-time visitors: Chances are I know way more about Christianity than you do.  Is that a guarantee?  No, not at all.  But most of you don’t have a Master’s degree in Biblical studies.  I do.  And I got it from one of the best divinity schools in the country.  So chances are I know more about Christianity and Western religion in general than you do.
I’ve been thinking about Jesus a lot in the last few days.  Maybe I should go full wanker here and call him Yeshua, or something, to rid him of some of the cruft that’s accumulated over the past 2000 years, but the point is I’ve spent a lot of time in the last few days thinking about Jesus.  And also, in those last few days, I’ve watched an awful lot of people who not only call themselves Christians but tend to openly boast about their Christianity— in and of itself, an unChristian act— completely pervert the meaning of their own religion.  To a degree that, frankly, should be physically painful along with spiritually.
All religions concern themselves with charity.  All religions concern themselves with the poor.  But I don’t think I’m going out on too much of a limb when I say that, of the three major Western religions at least (I’m hedging on Buddhism, mostly, which I know little about) there is no figure who is so concerned with the poor and dispossessed as is Jesus.  Treatment of the poor is very nearly the whole of Jesus’ ministry.  And his feelings on the matter, despite 2000 years and who knows how many translations (well, okay, two) of his original words, are perfectly clear:
31 “When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit on the throne of his glory. 32 All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats, 33 and he will put the sheep at his right hand and the goats at the left. 34 Then the king will say to those at his right hand, ‘Come, you that are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world; 35 for I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, 36 I was naked and you gave me clothing, I was sick and you took care of me, I was in prison and you visited me.’ 37 Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when was it that we saw you hungry and gave you food, or thirsty and gave you something to drink? 38 And when was it that we saw you a stranger and welcomed you, or naked and gave you clothing? 39 And when was it that we saw you sick or in prison and visited you?’ 40 And the king will answer them, ‘Truly I tell you, just as you did it to one of the least of these who are members of my family,[g] you did it to me.’ 41 Then he will say to those at his left hand, ‘You that are accursed, depart from me into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels; 42 for I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, 43 I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not give me clothing, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.’ 44 Then they also will answer, ‘Lord, when was it that we saw you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not take care of you?’ 45 Then he will answer them, ‘Truly I tell you, just as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.’ 46 And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”
That’s Matthew 25, in case you don’t recognize it.  The translation is the NRSV, which I generally find to be the most accurate translation available; there was a time where if it was the Hebrew Bible I would have translated it myself but my Hebrew is terribly rusty and my Greek is virtually nonexistent so I have to trust the translators.
That said, though, this is really, really, crystal clear.  It is unambiguous and open.  It is not a matter for debate and not a matter of opinion, a word American Christians are really fond of tossing around.
Just as you did it to one of the least of these who are members of my family, you did it to me.
There are reasons to oppose bringing Syrian refugees to America.  None of them are good reasons.  Most of them are sickeningly racist.  And all of them are deeply, obviously, blatantly and clearly unChristian.  You cannot object to helping these people and call yourself a Christian.  Jesus himself would rebuke you.  He already has, in fact.  Reread verses 41-46 if you need to.  If you refuse to help the sick and the destitute and the needy, you are going to Hell.
There is literally no way to make that any clearer.  Christians are commanded to help those who are in need.  Not requested.  Not asked.  Not begged.  Commanded.  In plain and clear language.  By Jesus.  There’s no way to wriggle out of this, folks.  You either help these people– or, to do the absolute minimum, get the hell out of their way– or by the words of the man you consider the son of God you are going to Hell.
Let’s change the subject a bit, and talk about cowardice.  I have grown desperately tired of fear being the sole criterion by which every political decision is made in this country, particularly by the same people who are so hungry to convince you of their own toughness in every other set of circumstances.
I do not fear terrorism.  I do not fear “terrorists.”  I do not fear being blown up.  Neither should you.  Yes, even though it just happened in France.  Neither should you.  I am tired of living in a country where people openly advocate leaving children to die because they are terrified that one or two out of thousands of people who desperately need our help might be bad people.  Or, to be slightly more Biblical in my choice of words, people who openly advocate letting widows, and children, and orphans die horribly because of their own fear.   America is truly a nation of cowards if we allow this to happen, and the loudest voices for cowardice among us are also, somehow, the loudest voices for their own toughness.
We live in a country where grown men are terrified to go to the mall without their guns.
We live in a country where people living quite literally in the middle of nowhere are afraid that a tiny militia group on the other side of the world might notice them and come to blow them  up.
We live in a country where those same people are so proudly ignorant that not only are they unable to distinguish any one brown-skinned person from any other, they have the gall to be smug about it.
If we were to let some number of Syrian refugees come to live among us– for the purposes of this conversation I don’t even care about the number– we are certain to import some of them who are bad people.  Some of them might even be deserving of capital letters; Bad People.
I don’t care.  At all.
America has had one of what we like to call “terrorist attacks” in this country since September of 2001.  So two in this century, I suppose.  The Boston bombers killed three people and injured a couple hundred others.  In that time we have had thousands upon thousands of our own people killed by guns wielded by our own people, and we do nothing.  In fact, we insist that nothing be done.  A certain segment of our population is literally ready to go to war to protect their right to own weapons that are virtually guaranteed, if they are ever used at all, to hurt one of their friends or family members and not some half-imagined “attackers.”  And you can bet that had Dzhokhar and Tamerlan Tsarnaev been white, there would be an entire movement of people dedicated to proving that their attacks were either fabricated by the government or justified.
If the French attacks had happened in America, and had involved white people, an entire political party would be insisting we do nothing about it right now, and impugning the sanity and the patriotism of anyone who disagreed with them.  Guns in America alone kill several multiples more people every year than terrorist attacks in Western countries have killed this century.  
So forgive me if I do not find your fear convincing or important.  You are so much more likely to be killed by the gun you keep in the glove box of your car than by a “terrorist” that I literally cannot take you seriously.  If you live anywhere outside of the five or six largest cities in America and you genuinely fear terrorism you should seek mental help, and I say that as someone who actually sees a mental health counselor at the moment.  It is not a flippant statement.  It is roughly akin to fearing shark attacks while living in Nebraska.  If you do live in one of those five or six cities, your risk is slightly– very, very slightly, because the total number of US cities affected by terrorism this century is currently two– elevated, but you’re still being an idiot.  And you should stop.
I was made to memorize this poem, or at least the last five lines of it, in fourth grade.  I typed it from memory, although I will admit double-checking to make sure I got the words right:
Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,
With conquering limbs astride from land to land;
Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand
A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame
Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name
Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand
Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command
The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.
“Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp!” cries she
With silent lips. “Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”
This is, of course, The New Colossus, the Emma Lazarus poem that is currently mounted on a plaque inside the Statue of Liberty.  It also has the advantage of rather exceptional clarity.
It is unChristian to keep these people out.
It is unAmerican to keep these people out.
It is inhuman to keep these people out.
And it is foolish in the extreme to allow fear to dictate our actions, especially– most especially– when that fear is not only rooted in our worst impulses, but is exactly what our actual enemies want us to do.
Enough.

Amen, Brothers and Sisters. I love you all.

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AuthorJohn Proctor

I can't even begin to wrap my head this enough write cohesively, so...

I am 42 years old, to fully unpack the seventh grade thing.

For a 42-year-old, I've grown entirely too comfortable this postseason wearing my cap upside down.

What strange timing - the 14-inning first game was played the night before I left for the NonfictioNOW Conference in Flagstaff, and the 12-inning final game was played on the day of my return to Brooklyn. The only game I watched in Brooklyn was at home while my mother-in-law, who was helping with the kids while I was away, was trying to get to sleep on our couch.

So much fun watching the middle games at the conference with my dear peeps Jericho Parms (Mets fan) and Steven Church (Royals fan), though Jericho made me feel incredibly guilty by being so composed while telling me of her boyfriend being sick all weekend and looking to the Mets for support.

I had to bring to bear all of my people skills on the plane ride back from Flagstaff, as it was packed with Mets fans who were pretty determined not to like me. (Except for one, who walked with me to the baggage claim as the Royals staged their comeback in the ninth. He commiserated freely until asking me what the "KC" on my cap stood for. I just looked at him until he had his Come to Jesus Moment and sped ahead to get away from me.)

Here's the view from my plane coming in to JFK. You can't tell in the photo, but that's Citi Field out there, top of the ninth.

Here's the view from my plane coming in to JFK. You can't tell in the photo, but that's Citi Field out there, top of the ninth.

...And here's the baggage claim. 10th inning of the World Series, and this is what is on every screen at JFK. FUCK FOOTBALL.

...And here's the baggage claim. 10th inning of the World Series, and this is what is on every screen at JFK. FUCK FOOTBALL.

 

My favorite photo of the night - Hosmer's game-tying slide home, lifted from Joe Bonomo's short-and-sweet blog post:

The New York Post, as if to up the ante on their "Amazin' Disgrace" headline and make sure no one doubts they are still the slimiest chunk of hometeam sports media afterbirth, now wants the Mets to trade Matt Harvey.

And finally, our college librarian (and Mets fan) Mary-Elizabeth, with the note she left on my office door this morning: "Congratulations! Well played. Just wait 'til next year. Signed, your blue & orange friend in the basement."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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AuthorJohn Proctor

...The flight attendant, seeing my Royals cap, asks me if I'm from Kansas City.

"Lawrence," I say, "but I live in Brooklyn."

"Ah, I live in Kansas City, and I'll be cheering for the Royals too."

"Well, I'm from Queens," the old man across the aisle grumbles, "and I'm fer the Mets!"

"I know," I say. "The plane's full of you guys."

"Hey, I have to sit next to him!" the guy next to me yells to the old man.

The long flight ended with the Mets on top 2-0 in the top of the ninth. I have to say, it was pretty fun to communally watch that lead disappear on our smartphones. I gave them all pitying looks, while beaming on the inside.

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AuthorJohn Proctor

I woke this morning at 4am PST, aka my regular morning wakeup time back east, laced up, and ran into the dark. I found a trail off the road my Econo Lodge is on, and ran entirely in blackness, guided only by the feel of the tall grass surrounding the trail. I can think of no better way to spend my first morning in a new town than losing my own form within it, feeling myself through the contours of its skin only by the tap-tap-tapping of my little feet.

And back to the hotel, er, motel, I finished some last-minute revisions for my 9:30 panel discussion with Jericho Parms, Amy Butcher, and Jennifer Bowen Hicks on fashioning an essay collection, took a shower, and exited my Econo Lodge room to this:

After standing there dumbfounded for a couple minutes, I grabbed two hard-boiled eggs, a yogurt, and a coffee from the lobby and headed over to the conference. Jericho and Amy were talking when I arrived so I joined the conversation. Amy had been delayed when her flight from Phoenix was cancelled, but she arrived as we were finishing prep work. Feeling pretty great about where we were, I went to an early morning panel on writing the monstrous that was just so good, especially two days before Halloween.

Our panel went wonderfully1 Great crowd, lots of interaction, and people told me throughout the day how much they got out of it, and how little they were bored. The day after that was a blur of panels, drinks, and Maggie Nelson's keynote, which finished the night for me in the best possible way. Great, great day. Two more to go!

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AuthorJohn Proctor

I just arrived in beautiful Flagstaff after a longish-but-fineish flight from Brooklyn. Got a lot of work done on the flight to Phoenix - doing some final prep work for my panel tomorrow on constructing a book collection, graded some student work, yadda yadda - then had some great conversation on the layover with a retired American Airlines employee named Kelly (who seemed excited to read my work - Hi, Kelly!) and on the short flight to Flagstaff with a man named Chris who was on his way from Memphis to go elk hunting. Then I rode a taxi in with some wonderful people on their way to the conference, and I could just feel the three-day Code Red Nerd Alert rising.

I just got a run in, and geez, the altitude! Lungz was burninz. Now getting a shower and headed over to the convention center to do some last-minute panel planning and World Series watching with my friend Jericho Parms, whose recent first book deal almost excuses the fact that she'll be cheering for the Mets.

 

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AuthorJohn Proctor

Just got my volume of The Best American Essays 2015 in the mail today, with the bonus of my name in the Notables section! My essay "The Question of Influence" from last fall's edition of The Normal School got me my virgin selection. I pulled the book out of its envelope, opened it to the Notables list, and showed my two daughters.

ME: Look in here. <pointing at my entry> What’s that say?
MY 6-YEAR-OLD: John Proctor.
ME: Who’s that?
6YO: It’s you! You’re in this book?
ME: Kind of. I’m a notable American essayist.
BOTH GIRLS: <look at each other, then both jump around and scream simultaneously>
6YO: You’re in a book!
3YO: I’m gonna hug your butt now. <hugs my butt>

 

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AuthorJohn Proctor

This morning I received some unfortunate news from my wife via text, along with photos, from her walk with our three-year-old to playschool:

Mister Cat, or Tiger to most who knew him, has died. Residing in his own mini-apartment outside a brick five-story on the corner of 11th Street and Sixth Avenue, he has been known and loved by everyone in the neighborhood. The tenant who set up Mister Cat's apartment and cared for him died a few months ago, after which the building's other tenants assumed his care. They've even been taking collections for the past month or two to finance treatment for the FIV and lymphoma with which Mister Cat has been recently diagnosed, but his time has expired.

Both of my daughters have never known the block without Mister Cat. We think he is in fact more known and loved by locals than another resident of his block, Mayor Bill de Blasio.

But death cannot be buried. It resurfaces, sprouts anew, springs forth into life, for what is life without death, death without life? They are separate charges, positive and negative, and we know only the neutral of what we can see directly in front of us. We live in the middle of the road, and the end is not for us to see.

Ok, I'm quoting myself there. Anyone who knows me (or has read my essay "The Transfiguration of Señor Gato," where that comes from) knows I have a deep, abiding love of stray cats, especially toms. This love has transcended my extreme cat allergy, and provided me with a running trope for much of my life: there are millions of Mister Cats in the world, both unique and fungible, fiercely independent and grudgingly social, and I am one of them. My family and I will miss this one.

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AuthorJohn Proctor
"Perhaps the most elucidating thing Hample told me in our first conversation was this: 'You should know that anyone who hangs out in the stands at baseball games with any regularity is not to be trusted.' To which he later added, 'Except me.'"

This immersive longform piece kind of fell in my lap in late June, and I ended up spending a good chunk of my summer hanging out with and writing about ballhawking luminary Zack Hample. It's a fun end-of-summer read that my editor Greg Olear says is "about baseball and not about baseball." I like that.

Also, thanks are in order to Tatiana Ryckman and The Youngs Writing Residency, where I drafted a good portion of this; Matthew Goodman for talking out my ideas with me; and Joseph Mitchell for writing so many essays worthy of emulation.

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AuthorJohn Proctor

ME: <stops, looks thoughtfully into space>

6-YEAR-OLD: What's wrong, Daddy?

ME: <farts>

6YO: Ohhhh...You made that face because you were about to fart.

ME: ....

6YO: Well, at least it wasn't in our room again.

ME: ...

6YO: During storytime.

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AuthorJohn Proctor

Reading Steven Church's wonderful post to Brevity's blog today just reminded me that it is in fact another September 11, the 14th after the 9/11. I think it's in the collective unconscious of New Yorkers to call it just another day. We're moving onward, everything is ok. And it is, for the most part. Then I look at even my most recent writing, and I realize that everything I think and do is touched by the shadow of that day.

I just finished the (hopefully) final edit of a piece on running in the city (and elsewhere) and I just remembered this passage, which I'm sharing here as my way of remembering before I move on with my day.

The first time I felt any agency over the city and my place in it was about four months after I moved there, when I started running it. Seeing the first blossoms on the trees welcoming me out of my first winter and into my first spring and summer and autumn in the city, I laced up a pair of old Air Pegasus shoes, provided years earlier by the Murray State athletic department, and ran out the door and into my new home.
At first I was adversarial and stupid—running headlong into crowds of people on Jackson Avenue, leapfrogging dogs and dodging street-meat vendors while many people cursed me in Spanish, rushing over every bridge I could find and forcing myself to look over and down into the streets and the water below in full knowledge that my greatest fear is falling off a bridge and drowning in a river. But sometime in 2001, after I’d moved to Sunset Park, Brooklyn, I began acknowledging my running as a meditative act, an endless process not of defeating the city but of getting to know it—sublimating myself to its rhythms and contours and smells and boundaries.
That year I remember September 11, but I remember September 10 just as intensely. I was to start my new job the next evening as a teaching assistant in a program at CUNY teaching writing to new immigrants, and that evening I decided to run to Owl’s Head Park and back. I was on Second Avenue and approaching Belt Parkway when the skies opened and I ran into a wall of heavy, stinging rain. I remember that summer as one of the hottest I’ve experienced in New York, extending well into September, and my reaction to this downpour is my mnemonic device. Every drop felt like it was washing another day of dust and grime from my body. By the time I reached Owl’s Head, the rain had stopped and I was the only one in the park. I went to the highest point, stopped, and looked out into the Hudson Bay. Fishermen and crabbers hunched over the rails on the pier below like wharf rats, freighters rusted in the channel like they’d been there for centuries, the Verrazano Bridge loomed in the near distance and the Outerbridge in the rear, and the cement below my feet felt just a little softer. It was one of those moments that becomes emblematic and allegorical as it metastasizes in the memory outward from a few fleeting moments into a Defining Event. For me, it was the moment I knew I’d made a home here, not because I’d defeated this city but because I’d conceded to it.

 

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AuthorJohn Proctor

Today, Atlas & Alice is publishing my essay "Meditating Underwater," about my mother's back surgery three years ago. You can find it here.

Image by Shawn Hoke via Flickr, CC.

Image by Shawn Hoke via Flickr, CC.

I wrote this piece in its entirety in the ten hours of my mother’s surgery, and spent the next two years revising it. (Thanks to Jennifer Bowen Hicks, Jericho Parms, Catherine Buni, and Kristopher Jansma for your words and time in this.)

In what I can only file under Extremely Unfortunate Ironies, the week after editor Ben Woodard let me know they would publish the essay I learned while visiting my mother in Kansas that two of the titanium rods the surgeon had implanted in her spinal column had broken.

I’d known something was horribly wrong the minute we arrived in Kansas for a visit, as she now walks bent over at a 45-70 degree angle from the waist, she couldn’t sleep in anything but one particular easy chair, and I quickly discovered she was again taking the narcotic pain medicine she’d become addicted to after the last surgery and finally kicked just last October.

I’ve had intimations of her condition for the past few months, and knew that her primary care physician, a family practice guy, had thrown up his hands and said he didn’t know what was wrong and couldn’t help her. With help from my stepmom, a nurse, I found an internist group that my mom had made her primary care group at the start of the summer. They did x-rays on her back the day I arrived in Kansas, and gave my mom the news about the broken rods on the last day. This was the least sunny part of my summer.

My mother has her corrective surgery this week, which will be as invasive as the first surgery. I’m feeling sad, angry, and hopeless as I leave for Kansas to assist in whatever small ways I can. And I’m sorry that I can’t offer a happy ending - or an ending of any kind – to the story that began with “Meditating Underwater.”

Out with my wife last night, I told her (as I’m getting better at doing) about this black hole I feel growing inside me every time I think about my mother. I’m generally not a person who cries, but I just sobbed silently in my seat on the Metro North for most of my trip to my first day of classes this morning.

Have a great day!

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AuthorJohn Proctor

After spending a month or so hanging out with my family and Zack Hample, I spent a week writing the bulk of my essay on him in the quiet seclusion of a writing residency run by my friend Tatiana Ryckman in Amish Country, Ohio. The area was, in fact, so Amish that the local Wal-Mart parking lot had stalls for horse carriages. 

The Young's Estate

The Young's Estate

I shared the residency, at a place I shall only call "The Young's Estate" (residency by invitation only) with three other writers and artists, thinking about the book manuscript I’m developing, about beginnings and endings, about losing and loss, and periodically about my family going about their business without me while I thought about these things.

The estate itself is composed of three main buildings: central quarters, rooming quarters, and the plantation house. The first thing I noticed upon entering my space in the rooming quarters was that it smelled like the Seventies. Feeling the soft, plush carpeting and the mahogany paneling of my room, I thought of the many basements of friends and cousins where I ogled my cousins’ Star Wars action figure collections, played Mousetrap, and tried in vain not to spill Tang all over the always-damp carpet.

"As you can probably guess, everything about the estate was built to spec for the Young family," Tatiana told me. I would have guessed this. I could feel the eccentric personality of the family in every room, but especially mine:

My small space in the Young's Estate

My small space in the Young's Estate

On the third or fourth night, Tatiana sat down with me and Kate Senecal and recorded a conversation about the experience for Ian Bodkin's wonderful podcast Written in Small Spaces, which you can find here:

Written in Small Spaces: A Grand Movement of the Mind (the interview is in the second half of the podcast)


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AuthorJohn Proctor
At Zack's Place

At Zack's Place

On June 19, two days before the end of the summer, Alex Rodriguez got his 3,000th hit, a home run at that. I wouldn't really care about this enough to be writing about now, if it weren't caught in the stands by Zack Hample, the A-Rod of snagging baseballs in the stands.

The night it happened I became fascinated by both the instant and intense hatred of many Yankee faithful for Hample (Bald Vinny of the Bleacher Creatures famously said that night, "nobody worse could've gotten that home run ball than that fucking guy") and the fact that he'd already caught over 8,000 baseballs at major league games before catching the A-Rod ball, so I decided to try to get ahold of him via email. Thus began a series of dates with Zack Hample - brunch, hanging out in his apartment, going to a game with him, meditating on the baseball as metaphor, and generally keeping up with him as he negotiated a deal with the Yankees to give them the A-Rod ball in exchange for a $150,000 donation to his favorite charity, Pitch in for Baseball.

Hample is an interesting, likable guy who also has written three books, holds the all-time scoring record for Arkanoid, and is a competitive Scrabbler. I began writing about him, which developed into the first essay I wrote for my collection on misfits and outsiders. It'll be published on The Weeklings, where I published my Royals essay earlier this year, hopefully within the next month.

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AuthorJohn Proctor

I was going to spend this week blogging about how I spent the past two months, but then things got a little testy, at least in this place. (And that place.) (And this place again.) I can't promise those things won't come up again, but for now let's talk about fun stuff.

Like reading! I did lots of that this summer. One thing I read was on the suggestion of Steven Church, who asked me if I'd like to review Andrew Malan Milward's short story collection I Was a Revolutionary for The Normal School. It's a really great read, and we had some great conversation about it, now up on TNS's website. And the book is out this week!

I've also been reading a lot of work for a set of essays I started this summer that I'll be working on for the next few months, all of which are in some way about misfits, outcasts, and people who just missed greatness or happen to be great at things that nobody attaches much value to. I've been researching and writing the first essay for the past few weeks, but more on that with the next post...

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AuthorJohn Proctor

I don't know whether to be gratified or deflated that my blog has gotten more hits in the past two days than it has all summer. (Granted, I've only posted to it five times this summer. Hey, I've been busy writing writing.) And I hope I don't sound fakey when I say I didn't mean to cause a stink with my post on Monday - I wrote it because I had to. I didn't tag anyone, and I figured it would disappear into the internether after I wrote it, or at the most get me some condolences from my friends on social media. (Which it did - thanks, friends.)

But it turns out, as the first comment to my post said, "You're saying what lots of people are thinking." This doesn't happen often, which is something I usually pride myself on. But in this case I'm glad I hopefully put into words what most of us who entered this year's AWP Prize in Nonfiction thought when we read the letter stating that judge Lia Purpura had decided not to award a winner this year. Lots of people - most of whom I've never met - expressed similar thoughts, many of them more lucidly than I did. And then, this morning Brevity Magazine's blog published a reply/retort to the mounting criticism of both the AWP and Purpura:

I read a blog post written by someone who had entered the contest and I appreciate his passion and disappointment. I would imagine others feel same as he does.
But I do disagree with a statement he made: “The choice to say that no nonfiction book submitted is worthy of her (or, by proxy, the AWP’s) selection is an outright dismissal of a hell of a lot of artistic, intensely wrought, truth-telling work, and make no mistake: it will be seen as a wholesale value judgment of an entire year’s crop.” I’m sure there was artistic work in the bunch. I’m sure it was intense, and I’m sure the writers told the truth in literary ways. But I would ask this of the entrants: Did you submit your absolute finest work? Are you sure you submitted something near perfection? I wrote seven drafts of my memoir before it was published. It is quite tempting to submit a manuscript before it’s ready. And you know what? I did that. A lot. I think I even submitted it to the AWP contest. But now I realize anything before that seventh draft was not ready. I suspect the judge, Lia Purpura, saw a lot of great work but judged that the writing was still rough.

There's a lot to take issue with here, which to me boils down to this: No book is perfect upon submission. I've been working on my essay collection, and I know it's not perfect, even though (or perhaps because) I've been writing and publishing the essays for the past five years. In fact, I would argue the search for "perfection" can lead many a writer to go over and over old material until one finds oneself running so obsessively on the editing treadmill that one loses the joy in creating new material and experiencing the world with fresh eyes, something I think is perhaps the most important quality of a nonfiction writer. And then of course there is the advice almost all of my writing mentors have given me: Don't get too attached to your manuscript, because any decent editor is going to have her/his own ideas to impose on it. How can that relationship happen if f one considers one's manuscript perfect, or even nearly perfect?

So perhaps I have an issue with contests as a whole, especially book contests. And in a way I empathize with Purpura - as an editor at Hunger Mountain I read plenty of shorter submissions, and I personally can't imagine reading ten full manuscripts over the course of one summer. AWP Executive Director David Fenza in his letter said that the award series is not "like a sweepstakes or a lottery," but all literary contests are structured precisely like a lottery - everyone gives a little pittance so that one person wins. If no one won the lottery, no one would play.

Like I've said before, I'm new to this game. I spent two years with the completed essays that comprise my manuscript, sinking into a depression many of my fellow writers can probably understand - not knowing when it was ready, when it was done. Finally, my wife and my closest writing friends told me how crazy I was making myself and them, and I decided I had until spring of this year to start sending it out and get back to, you know, writing. I'm still a bit tentative about putting my essays - my babies - into book form, but this whole AWP thing has led me to believe that literary contests are not where I want to send my babies.

Hopefully this is the last I'll be writing about this, though I'd love to hear other people's lingering thoughts. Tomorrow I'll get back to finishing an essay, preparing syllabi for classes next week, organizing for Hunger Mountain's online presence, and writing updates on my blog that will get, at best, probably 10% of the hits I've gotten for the past two days. I'm cool with that.

PS: Many people had more insightful things to say than I do in the comment section of the Brevity post and Brevity's Facebook page.

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AuthorJohn Proctor
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I'm about to do something I've told myself many, times since deciding to make writing my profession I would never do, something I frequently judge other writers when they do it, something I'll probably regret tomorrow, or next week, or even a couple of hours from now: I'm writing out of bitter, despairing anger.

I just received notification from AWP that Lia Purpura, the judge of this year's nonfiction book contest, to which I submitted my manuscript, has decided that no nonfiction book manuscript submissions merit the award.

Honestly, I didn't expect to win, or even place, in this year's competition. The contest was my first submission of my first book ms, and I have no idea how far along it got in the (non-)selection process. If it had been awarded anything I'd have been the luckiest writer in the world. I did, however, look forward to seeing who the winner was, knowing that the award could be that writer's entrance into the fairly insular world of academic publishing. Purpura herself saw her first publication when Judith Kitchen selected her collection, Increase, for the prize in 1999.

By choosing not to give the award (or the prize money), Purpura and the AWP have perpetuated the feeling, which seems to grow at a roughly equal rate that the AWP has for the past 20 years, that the whole institution is rigged. Every year since I started paying AWP dues in 2011, my social media circles explode with people who come back from the conference feeling disconcerted and alone, like they just went to a big dance club where they weren't on the list, and every year I've patted the pavement at the book fair, talked to publishers, communed with other writers, and most importantly continued writing, writing, writing - all the while staving off the sinking feeling that every square centimeter of the independent publishing fishbowl had already been called.

I think it's important to state that I'm not attacking Purpura personally or professionally. I really, really love her nonfiction work - her essay collection On Looking is one of my favorites - which is perhaps why I'm taking her dismissal of every manuscript she saw (which, in her defense, had already been whittled down from thousands to ten by who-knows-who) so personally. The choice to say that no nonfiction book submitted is worthy of her (or, by proxy, the AWP's) selection is an outright dismissal of a hell of a lot of artistic, intensely wrought, truth-telling work, and make no mistake: it will be seen as a wholesale value judgment of an entire year's crop. I'm trying my hardest to imagine a way of taking the decision not to award one of the literary nonfiction community's most respected annual awards as anything but this. 

I'm going to stop here for now, and post a copy of the letter from AWP Executive Director David Fenza. And who knows, I may delete this post in a couple of hours, or tomorrow, or next week, once I think better of it.


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AuthorJohn Proctor
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"So far I’ve been talking mainly about prototypes that are fairly accepted and traditional in American culture. But what about men for whom the traditional family has for generations been seen as asynchronous with their innermost selves?...Perhaps the sea change we’re undergoing is leading us toward more acceptance and understanding, and away from prejudice and willful ignorance. I don’t know, but I hope so. But this fluidity of understanding will not come without consequence for own senses of self, individually and communally. Knowing there is no one right way of doing things necessitates a willingness to embrace the areas of ourselves and others that haven’t yet been mapped."

Read the rest here!

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AuthorJohn Proctor

"Among the many narratives of the late 20th Century, one I find especially relevant here is that of fragmentation: of global culture, of the family, of the individual. This isn’t something I lament, nor is it something I celebrate. It just is, and its most relevant result here is that we are collectively, as responsible and cognizant parents, in a position to pick and choose through the fragments of our culture, finding the most useful and fitting ones and discarding or storing away the rest."

Read the rest here!

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AuthorJohn Proctor

"I’m of the suspicion—and it gets stronger every year—that we are at a historical transition where our accepted notions of parenthood are less stable, more fluid than ever. I think a number of factors contribute to this—the decline of the nuclear family as the norm, more questioning of gender-normative patterns of behavior, perhaps even a wide-scale movement away from social groups in the physical space with the rise of digital media. But every year, as my relationships with my children become less about fulfilling basic physical needs and more about forging strong emotional bonds with them and teaching them life lessons that will carry into their own adulthoods, I wonder if I’m doing this right, or if there is even a right way of doing this."

Read the rest here!

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AuthorJohn Proctor